A Bard’s Tale: “Straight from the Horse’s Mouth”, by Jim

It is my humble honor to bring you Jim’s first Fragile Hope entry.

I am privileged to feature his first work since the accident; his “labor of love” as Karen calls it, which took him hours to type, one letter at a time.

I hope the crafting of this piece was as cathartic for Jim as it might be for some of the people reading it.

Grab a tissue, right now.  No, I’m not being clever.  Just honest.  As Jim is, in the below.  Honest, unabashed, articulate, and lovely.

So very Jim.

And, without further ado, I give you, gentle readers…a bard’s tale; spun indeed from one who has truly gone “there and back again.”

- Jackie

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Straight from the horse’s mouth

This is my first attempt at typing since the accident.  I felt it only appropriate that I contribute to my beloved friend Jackie’s blog that has provided endless inspiration during my recovery.

As I write, I have a small brace around my left hand which supports a pencil.  I am using the eraser to punch the keys. My right hand is in a cast and has little function anyway.  Sweetie is assisting with the shift key and edits but, ever the English teacher, I am too proud to ask for much help.  It is a slow and exhausting process, but it is something that I was not doing yesterday.

My life is full of daily victories.  Most may seem quite minor; using an elevator, holding a cup or eating a bowl of ice cream on my own.  Some are barely perceptible; a new sensation, slight muscle movement in my thumb or greater strength in my triceps.  It is all progress and, as long as I am improving, I am determined to give it my all.

Like all of us, some days are better than others.  Today was quite a challenge.  We woke up late and were completely off schedule.  I wet the bed and went through two pairs of shorts before getting back on track.  Even though this is quite common for those with a spinal cord injury, it is rather demoralizing for a man of 41 years to be pissing himself.  Our morning routine, that usually takes a little over an hour, lasted three and a half.  All plans for the day were shot and morale was quite low.  I pride myself on keeping a positive attitude (this has become a survival skill in my life) but I could not shake this funk.

After a visit to the garden, much soul searching, prayer and meditation, I was inspired to end this otherwise blah day with a major accomplishment.  Writing has always been a creative outlet for me and now it doubles as therapy for my arm and fine motor skills.

As I have depicted a day in a life, albeit not one of my finest, I need to make it clear that most days are far more rewarding.

I can certainly understand how many readers could look at my condition as unbearable, even preferring death over life as a quadriplegic.    I can sympathize with this sentiment.

During my early days at Shock Trauma in Baltimore, these thoughts constantly came to mind.  After a grim diagnosis and days of excruciating pain, all I wanted to do was return home, curl up on the couch in the man cave, pet my dogs, and die.  This was not just a fleeting idea.  This was my actual plan and it seemed quite rational at the time.  Were it not for the support, prayers and visits from my very dear friends and family, I am certain that I would have given up the fight.

I truly owe these people my life.

As it turned out, I was flown to the Shepherd Center in Atlanta.  This place specializes in spinal cord injuries and is one of the top treatment centers in the country.  Here they focus on intense rehabilitation and train us in every aspect of living with our disabilities.  It is truly a magical place full of hope and miracles.

Although my life has been changed forever, I firmly believe that it is not for the worse.  Because I could easily have died in the accident, every day is a gift which I look forward to.  I have a much greater appreciation for all of the people in my life.  I can not express how much their support means to me nor how much I miss my Maryland crew.

I have become much more spiritual throughout this ordeal and know where to turn for answers when life becomes overwhelming.   I have come to grips with my limitations and handle frustration much better.  Mostly I have eternal love and gratitude toward my incredible wife who has stood by my side throughout it all.  She is the unsung hero of this adventure.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still the same Jim; quick with an insult or inappropriate joke and I will kick your ass in Scrabble.  Just know it is done with love.

I know that I have a long way to go and life will be full of obstacles.  I also know that God has a plan for me and I am anxious to follow His course.

I take comfort in the philosophical words of Mick Jagger:  “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try some times, you just might find, you get what you need.”